Exercising his superior intellect above us mere mortals, Barack Hussein Obama announced Friday a jobs program to address our growing unemployment, albeit in a very peculiar way. Nevertheless, I am grateful for his attention to the plight of the millions of Americans seeking gainful employment.
With the assistance of Attorney General Eric Holder, Mr. Obama has elected to transfer many of the residents at Gitmo to New York to stand trial for the planning and murder of 3,000 American citizens in what has been described as one of the most horrific terrorist attacks ever experienced on American soil.
Keep in mind before you jump to any conclusions that the "alleged" terrorists are only "accused" of the aforementioned "crimes." It is yet to be determined that any of the terrorists are actually "guilty." That determination will be left to a group of defense attorneys, jurors and a judge who will weigh all the "evidence" to find the truth. You know, the relentless pursuit of truth all defense attorneys are so eager to find? O.J. and Johnny proved truth always wins out in the courtroom.
I am sure Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and the others are praying six times a day for a liberal, Bush-hating judge more focused on George, Dick, Karl and waterboarding than he or she is in convicting and sentencing the executioner of 3,000 Americans. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will now be able to assert his claims of guilt are not admissible.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and the gang will be afforded a jury of their peers. He is praying Cindy Sheehan, Keith Olbermann, Janeane Garofalo and Rachel Maddow are available to weigh the evidence. With any luck at all, they may find him not guilty or guilty by reason of insanity – insanity caused by posttraumatic stress disorder. Remember, PTSD can now occur before any stressful event has even taken place, as in the case of Nidal Malik Hasan.
But how does any of this have anything to do with jobs?
Let's start with the hundreds of helicopters and pilots flying 24/7 to provide surveillance of anything that moves within a mile of the courtroom. Of course helicopters need maintenance; therefore, hundreds of mechanics will be hired to keep the choppers flying. The fuel needed to keep them in the air will require more refinery workers, oil rig operators and fueling workers.
Then there are the thousands of New York City policemen, FBI agents and Homeland Security personnel required to keep the courtroom and surrounding building safe during the lengthy trial.
I suspect news agencies from around the globe will cover every second of the trial, many hoping to find the "inside" story on what the Bush administration or America did to provoke the "alleged" terrorists to attack. That will require more hotel, restaurant and satellite truck workers.
Shall I go on?
This will not just be a short shot-in-the-arm jobs program. Oh no. We are talking three to five years for the trial, and that is not even counting the endless appeals. So I have to hand it to the president. He is not a short-term thinker. He is working for the people, looking to the future, just like his speaker of the House.
During this show trial, daily reports will be sent to the Muslim world via Al-Jazeera to keep young jihadists well informed as to the progress. So recruitment should be up in many parts of the Middle East once again easing the tremendous unemployment they are experiencing. Mr. Obama is a global president, and he has to think of the rest of the world as well now, doesn't he?
And that is how this radically liberal president and his Marxist attorney general will create thousands, if not millions, of new jobs while pleasing their leftist friends and backers at MoveOn.org. Fulfilling campaign promises is what this president is all about.
Moving the trial to New York and mixing it with a little Obama charm and magic should appease the entire Muslim community and once again demonstrate how Mr. Obama wants to heal all the hurt America has inflicted. The world will love us once again. Most people love or at least feel empathy for people who do foolish things. Things that may carry very serious unintended consequences.
A conservative would just cut taxes, reduce government spending, open up new markets to create jobs, but not a liberal. That would be too simple. No, a liberal must always come up with a much deeper response to a simple problem, digging deep into the liberal dogma pounded into their skulls since college by radical America-hating professors. Now they get to put those ideas into action, theory to practical application.
I only hope the satire of this column is the same satire that prompted this White House directive. I pray this is just their attempt at a practical joke on the American public, and soon Holder and Mr. Obama will admit the jig is up.
If they don't, the truth will soon become stranger than fiction.
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